The subtle art of ghosting
Updated: Sep 24, 2020
No, I’ve not become a spiritualist medium, but like most of you, I have become a victim of ghosting.
For those of you who don’t know what Ghosting is, here is the definition, curtsey of our friends at www.urbandictionary.com:
When a person cuts off all communication with their friends or the person they're dating, with zero warning or notice beforehand.
You'll mostly see them avoiding friend's phone calls, social media, and avoiding them in public.
It’s taken me around 2 years to develop the courage to push myself off that dusty old shelf and get back on the dating scene, and like most, I signed back up to tinder (for the millionth time)
Please note, and I’m rather proud of this, I avoided Grindr like the plague or to be more on-trend, I avoided it like Covid 19 p.s (wear a mask and wash your dirty dirty mits).
I signed up and started swiping!
A few matches, yet no actual conversation! I find this aspect of Tinder remarkable. You match with a guy and yet when you say hi nothing is reciprocated, just dead air! Not even a Hi back.
A few swipes later I get a match with a chap that I had previously matched with, and we had prior spoken yet nothing more came from it. He joked that I had blocked him, which I will add, I didn’t.
At the time we matched and chatted, I was in a very dark place in my life.
I had recently finished with my abusive ex, plus I was also dealing with a mental break down following month and months of extensive and phycological bulling from my previous employer. So, I was a BROKEN man, and I am not ashamed to say it.
Thankfully I am me again.
We chatted on and off for a few weeks, but never actually met.
He was also going through some personal issues with his divorce etc, which coincidentally, after talking about it, I found out his ex-husband was having an affair with a friend of mine! Small world Ey!
Well, it’s an even smaller world when you’re a gay man in Wales.
I always find it funny when straight people assume that all gays know each other, Oh you’re gay, do you know Steven?? The reality is, if you are a gay in Wales, you probably will know Steven!
Going back to my Tinder date.
A year had passed and we matched again on Tinder, and I must say he was looking FIIIIINNNEEE, like he was my type, and unlike the other guys I matched with, he actually started a convo.
A few weeks passed and he called me on a weekend. Both of us were drunk at the time, and I think I may have told him to call me, so we had a drunken conversation over the phone. I must add, this was all happening whilst I was relaxing in my friend house where I was staying the night.
She was in her element listening to two queens trying to flirt whilst intoxicated.
We chatted on and off for a few more weeks before he was heading off on his holidays. I was rather impressed that he was going on holidays on his own, I felt this was refreshingly independent and confident. If anything is sexy, Confidence is.
We faced time whilst he was on his holidays, and id even found the courage to ask him out on the date. We set the time and date and the date was on! However, my family life is a nightmare! EastEnders has nothing on my family, mainly my brother and his never-ending issues however I try my best to be there to support and mediate any issues.
Unfortunately, due to family issues, I had to cancel the date! I was annoyed with myself that I didn’t go on a date and do something for myself for a change, but family matters must come first.
He had good banter, he kept throwing my cancellation excuse back in my face, and rightly so. I think it was done tongue in cheek; however, I could be wrong! I have been single for 2 years with very little dating in between, but he said he was only winding me up so I’ll take his word.
The next part, I’m highly embarrassed about, yet I must share my experiences, warts and all.
I went out on a girls night out, standard token gay. It was day drinking, with very little food, so already you can start to see where the problem started.
It was not a bad day; we had some street food followed vast amounts of Alcohol.
Me being a total idiot, started to mix my drinks! Bear in mind I’m gluten intolerant I started by drinking 6 pints of lager, followed by gin and of course, an amalgamation of shots ranging from tequila to Jagger! I was drinking like a Swansea Girl on a hen do.
We went from pub to pub, naturally keeping socially distant from all around.
We went from 1 pm to 1 am! But I will add, I was wasted at 9 pm, to be honest, at that stage I was technically dead.
I had now become a bumbling, intoxicated zombie! And that’s when the shit hit the fan! I started messaging the guy from tinder. The more I write this the more cringe-worthy I feel. I’m honestly ashamed of my behaviour.
He was out in Cardiff, so drunk me was thinking, OMG this would be a great time to meet up!
We could finally meet and we can ride off into the horizon like some shitty 1050s western. Yes, drunk me is a hopeless romantic, or to be quite frank, thinks he’s a hopeless romantic.
He said he was in a local gay bar, so I thought I’ll go to meet him. I tried calling again to see where he was yet there was no answer.
I tried calling again, then again, then again until he answered, however, it was so loud in both our locations we couldn’t hear each other, he hung up.
So...... and you can probably guess what I did! Yes, I carried on ringing him.
I think when I looked at my phone the next day as I crept out of my crypt, I had rung him around 20 times that night! MORTIFIED!!!
I’ve never done that to a guy before! When I’m out I’m with my friend, I don’t spend my life chasing people, especially chasing guys!
It gets worse!
I had messaged him! Yes! Cringe!
I started being nice and asking where he was, then I went dark! Like Syth lord dark! Yes, some gays like Star Wars.
I started messaging saying stupid things like:
Ignoring me is it?
Fine, I'll leave you alone
Oi, why you ignoring me?
I get the hint, take care
If you want to meet up then phone me, I’m not chasing
IM SO EMBARRASSED!!! About these messages!
This is why I should remain single and why I should consider not taking my phone out when I’ve been out drinking! They need to develop an app for drunk people to stop messaging people under the influence.
I woke up the next day HORRIFIED! I messaged him apologising for my action and that I was drunk and didn’t mean anything. He said things were ok and that I should worry about it etc but I could sense this wasn’t the case. The bridge was well and truly burnt.
I sent a few messaged during the week asking how he was etc and just like that I was a Ghost, yes, I had been ghosted! And to be honest I quite rightly deserved it.
Why should he speak to me after I was being a complete and utter bellend?
I was the one that was in the wrong.
I’m a worrier and so I worry about what people think of me all the time! It's highly frustrating for me but equally annoying to others. I tried my best to apologise to him and rectify my wrongdoings, yet I was being ignored.
I posted on my Instagram that I was going to write about my ghosting experience, and he did reach out to me about it. I decided to ask him, why he was ignoring me.
I told him:
I’m probably going to regret asking this, but why did you start ignoring me? (I'm assuming its because I was being a dick messaging you when I was drunk) Don't worry about hurting my feelings or anything, I just want to learn from my mistakes.
And to be fair on him, he responded and was very honest about why.
He mentioned that it was due to my messaging him when I was drunk and that it reminded him of his overly controlling ex-partner.
This made a lot of sense to me, as I too was in a relationship where my ex controlled me.
After him disclosing this to me, I’ve never felt more ashamed of myself. I had made someone feel like they were being controlled and followed. I had made him re live his previous toxic relationship by acting like a total dick on a night out.
Those who know me, we know I am not controlling at all and that I’m a very chilled out person. I've also never acted like this with another person before.
Had I become that desperate for human interaction that id become overly forceful?
The more I think about it the more ashamed I get.
I’ve realised that after my last toxic relationship, I’m nowhere near ready to date again.
I'd like to take this opportunity to say, that I am extremely ashamed and sorry for my actions.
You are a very nice guy, who has a lot going for him and I hope you find someone who treats you as well as you deserve.
I wish you all the best x