Updated: Jul 21
We met at an Amateur theatre society in the heart of Dylan Thomas country, yes! You got it, that Ugly, Lovely town aka that pretty shitty city (Twin Town) Swansea.
I’d done one show for this society before and thought after doing numerous shows with other societies in wales that I would re-join them for their latest production.
It was day one of the rehearsals, more like a meet and greet and a quick run-through of the songs from the shows.
I walked into the hall, and like a true thesp, I greeted all friends and acquaintances with the standard fakery, hugs and kisses that are demanded by anyone in Theatre, but mostly in the amdram world.
A world that is full of pure hatred and jealousy yet everyone involved has mastered the art of being a Gemini, cue the two-face shit sandwich! Always start with a positive, throw in a nice quantity of shade and then finish it off with yet a moderate positive to cover the fatalistic blow that you’ve just served.
The rehearsal has started so I made my way to sit with my fellow tenors, and that’s when we met., that’s when we both clapped eyes on each other. Neither one of us had met before, which is rather odd in the amdram world as everyone knows everyone.
We didn’t necessarily speak during this rehearsal however there was some sort of chemistry taking place between us. Each time I looked over he was looking at me! Every time I said something remotely funny, he was in fits of laughter. He had now transformed into a giddy School girl yet…. he claimed he was Straight.
The rehearsal was other and after careful consideration, I decided not to proceed to do a show with the society as I was in the process of moving cities at the time and it would have been ridiculous for me to be travelling back and forth just to do an amdram show! There’s no money in it for me and hey, a gurl has got to bring in the money.
A few weeks passed and a notification popped up on my phone, it was Mr moderately straight guy! I accepted, hey! I’m curious and I do love a challenge. Plus, I was convinced he was gay, or bi or curious! My entire gaydar was on fire, and to be fair when things like this happen, I am rarely wrong. He would not be my first straight guy!
I accepted, and within minutes he had messaged me! Curious and more curious! The standard, “Hey, how are you doing?: etc etc back and forth like some sort of bland tennis convo match was going on. He asked why I dropped out of the show and I was like well I wasn’t feeling it at the time.
Gay alarm bells started to ring when he was obsessed with one of the guys in the society. He would ask and ask if I thought the guy was gay. He would mention his name daily and say things like, do you think he’s gay and Oh I feel sorry for him not being able to come out and accept himself! I would read these whilst rolling my eyes in my head like some sort of child’s dolly.
We chatted and chatted for weeks and weeks, and not once did I mention anything sexual, but that when it happened. He started talking sexual to me, started mentioning how he hadn’t been with anyone for ages, and how he wasn’t the kind of guy that would fool around with anyone.
Yet he was bland, and if he was gay he would be waving a beige rainbow flag! Not once did I mention or insinuated he was gay or anything yet he was very curious about my love life, too be more precise my sex life.
He would ask and ask and ask to a point that he was clearly getting off on it. He kept mentioning that he was getting aroused and wished someone was there to help him out.
I kept laughing and telling him to go and look for a nice girl for some fun, that if I was in his shoes that I would be going clubbing with y mates and look for a one-night stand etc. Yes, we all have one-night stands, gay or straight! We have needs.
He kept saying that he wasn’t that kind of guy to have one-night stands etc, he had too much respect for women. I suggested he get a prostitute lol at least she gets the custom and he gets his needs sorted but that wasn’t for him. Yet as we chatted he wanted to know more and more about my sex life. My sex life convo had now turned into some sort of porn literature for a cossetted straight boy. He was clearly getting off on my stories.
Weeks now turned to months. “My mother’s away this weekend, fancying coming down and keeping me company?” I looked at my phone, there were two issues here, it was the weekend and I go out most weekend, I love to socialise and more importantly get wasted with my friends. But most importantly he was apparently straight and living with his mother, who I soon found out was a huge apostolic who disliked gay people…. major no in my book!
Finding out about his mother soon was adding to the picture. He clearly was gay but was so closeted because of his mother he was sipping tea with Mr Tumnus!
I started ignoring his messages, as it clearly wasn’t going to happen between us and to be honest he was full of himself. Egotistical with visions of grandeur. If anyone was porn with rose-tinted glasses it was him.
I’m all for self-belief, with the confidence to go out there and do and be who you want but when that all you talk about it gets very tedious! All he spoke about was him him him with the odd slagging match about people he disliked in the amdram theatre world.
He truly believed that amdram was beneath him, that he was destined to be a west end performer and that nobody around him appreciated his time and commitment. He was untouchable. I will add, the boy had a good set of lungs on him and could sing. Mainly musical theatre.
But he was far from being a triple threat!
He was stiffer than an old plank when it came to dancing and his acting skills were pretty non-existent. But most of all he lacked stage presence and personality.
That is what happens when your ego gets too big, it swallows you up until we can’t see you.
A friend was holding a part one evening and we were both in the same room together, we chatted and bumped into each other throughout the night. After a few bevvies, I am partial to a cigarette and so I made my way outside for a quick fag (no pun intended).
He followed me outside. We started chatting and that when he said it, well basically said it without the whole coming out bit. He mentioned that he fancied this guy who he had been previously messaging. I will add, at this stage, the boy in question wasn’t me. He showed me a photo, I knew the boy which made things a tad more awkward yet I pretended id never seen him before. He kept going on about how the boy played him etc and that he wanted to be with him but the more he talked the more it came to light that it wasn’t the boy that was playing him but he was playing the boy in question.
The guy he was messaging was and still is out and proud, and as far as I currently know is in a very loving relationship with his boyfriend. Mr not so straight was messaging the guy and making a lot of false declarations and promises. Promises that he would not keep or act upon as he was closeted. He was not prepared or ready, mentally, to come out. Well, he wasn’t ready to come out to Mother dearest and her church followers.
We chatted and chatted, and id had around 6 fags at this point. It was time for him to go as his taxi pulled up and we hugged. But out of nowhere, we kissed! I ignored it carried on to the party and was loving the nightlife.
Weeks passed and we didn’t speak, until one day he messaged me about the night out and if I enjoyed. He kept mentioning the kiss, and to be honest I had ad this point forgotten about it. If anything, it was a peck on the lips, not an actual kiss. I’ve bloody kissed my girlfriends more passionately than that.
His messages were coming in by the droves over the following weeks, and I will add I was starting to like him. I started thinking he might be the one blah blah blah However in my heart of hearts I knew he wasn’t if anything it’s just the fun and thought about having an affair with a closeted straight guy is always a filthy yet satisfying fantasy.
In the meantime, I had just finished a show in Neath and it was time for our after party. Mr moderately straight was there. I will add, I was highly intoxicated at this point and s I came onto him.
We both stood outside the house and I kissed him. Full-on Kissed him and he kissed me back. It was rather steamy but before anything got heated my friend shouted that our taxi had arrived. It was probably fate saying, Come on Aled, leave him there! He isn’t for you!
I woke up the next day with the mother of all headaches, I went downstairs to a grinning young lady aka my dear friend who could not stop mentioning the night before. I was horrified yet rather relieved that I had acted on impulse with him.
More weeks of no messages from him, and I for one was not going to be the one who messages first. I’m stubborn, plus I was very unsure of the whole situation.
It was my friends, sisters 30th and yet again I was loving life. The drinks were flowing, the company was amazing and we hired a drag queen to entertain the crowd. It truly was a fabulous night. Then, I had a message. It was him, he was in town at another party. Drunk me messaged back telling him that we should meet up. Low and below he wanted to meet up.
The party of coming to an end but we were all ready to take the party elsewhere, the night was still young!
We partied the night away and I found Mr moderately straight.
He was sober and had the car, so he wasn’t planning to be out late. I walked him back to his car, and that’s when things got interesting. I got in. We chatted and started kissing etc. things escalated quickly.
From this point on, I shall leave your filthy imaginations to do the rest of the work! I don’t kiss and tell and I certainly don’t shag and shout……unless you’re a millionaire of a celebrity then I shout shout shout lol
Things were done, and actions performed etc in a carpark in Neath! Classy! He left and I went back to the party.
More weeks had passed, we didn’t speak and didn’t exchange messages after that night. Id bumps into him during some shows and we awkwardly chatted but nothing interesting. If anything, all he would do would be to speak about himself and how he was going to be the next big thing in the theatre world…yes..more blah blah me me me. I was quite grateful at this stage that we were no longer chatting.
The strangest thing that came from all this was him deciding to block me from all forms of social media. Like I was the one who did the wrong, that I was the one that should be ashamed for what had happened yet the acts between us were mutual.
He persisted after me and I was the fool that went along for the ride, knowing too well that it was going nowhere. If anything, I thought we were still friend however as a true millennial I take being blocked serious and consider it an act of war if not treason between us.
And so I say to you if you are reading! I am not the one in the wrong here. You, sir, are the one who needs to accept who you are and stop living a lie.
But most of all stop leading men on if you are not prepared to proceed with it. Gay men have emotions too, and fuck boys like you are not welcome in our world.