• Aled Rees

Making gay friends is a challenge in itself

It could be just me, but I find it becoming an impossible task, just friends, you know the kind of people you just want to do social things with like going to the pub, none of these friends with benefits malarky, I want friends minus the sexual benefits!

I’m seriously not interested in the sexual aspect, it’s pure friendship.

However, it seems this is an issue with some gay guys!

One minute you think, you're just friends, the next minute they've had a few drinks and want to have sex with you! I’m not being egotistical or big-headed at all, but this happens to me quite often! and quite frankly I’m bored of it!

I just want to be friends, friends who meet up for drink and food and of course socialise like normal human beings without the urge to want to suck each other off.

Don't get me wrong, sometimes you meet someone and there's a mutual spark between you and so this would be an exception with the possibility of developing a relationship.

However, from my experience, once you sleep with said friend, then they tend to ghost you afterwards! They have had what they are truly after and now you, as a person, have become obsolete.

When it comes to relationships, at this current stage of my life, I consider myself as a no go area, access off-limits to all and this purely down to the simple fact that, I don’t trust men.

There is also that insecure feeling deep down that I don’t feel or consider myself attractive!

Before actually writing this, or the first draft of it anyways. I had in in-fact put, what I’d call significantly weight on, and the reality was due to the fact I was suffering from my ongoing battle with my mental health.

I am a recovering bulimic, single gay guy living in Wales who has suffered from mental health issues due to negativity brought on by workplace bullying and of course my dreadful dating history. I think this would be the definition of damaged goods in the homosexual dictionary, however, when it comes to reality TV I am a producers dream.

I for one don't write these blogs for sympathy or pity, quite opposite in fact. I write to share my experiences through the medium of creative writing, its a cheap therapy that works incredibly well for me. My only downfall is, trying to set time away to write the bloody things lol yet I thoroughly enjoy writing them, even if nobody reads them, they help enhance my life.

So....going back to my original point without my natural digression, aka rant, I was talking about making friends with other gay guys.

I'm not saying it's impossible but I am saying it a challenge. We pride ourselves, no pun intended, to be an inclusive community, a community that looks after each other, a community that Is a family however I'm still yet to experience this fully.

The scene, being the main hub of any LGBTQ+ the community has come more of a hunting ground, an area for certain men to prey on the vulnerable. They see a guy on his own, having a drink, they approach and make conversation and then pounce with that infamous and utterly flattering quote, I'd love to suck you off!

We have gone from hi, how are you, to get your cock out in 0 to 60.

I often wonder if this would work in the straight world?

I know, from discussing the topic with my girlfriends that if a chap approached them and asked them to perform oral sex within moments of meeting, then this would be answered with an outstanding NO! Followed by a potential colossal slap.

I will ad this doesn't happen all the time, and there are some guys out there who are decent and who will have a lovely conversation with you at you local gay bar, especially if you are on you're own.

I try and force myself to go to a gay bar now and again in my own, purely to try and build my self-confidence and immunity to the environment that I should feel comfortable in, however, when I'm on my own I feel that I am at my most vulnerable.

Forcing myself to a gay bar on my own may sound like a ridiculous task, yet its one that I encourage myself to do often. Realistically its the only way I'll ever actually meet over gay guys, that is the ones who are decent and friendly.

I may give off resting bitch face, but I am rather sociable.

I was brought up around straight guys and straight girls. My world for many years was dulled by my insecurities, and so I spent a vast amount of my time battling myself and my sexuality.

As a result, I came out later than I should have, but when I did I still didn't go to the local gay bars etc due to the fear of people knowing that I was gay. The reality was nobody knew who the hell I was in any of the local bars and clubs, so this was completely irrational.

I spent a vast amount of my sexual awakening in Manchester, of all places! I was a gay Welshman who travelled 5hrs to go to a gay bar! this is the god's truth.

I look back and think how ridiculous this was. I will also add, I did have friends in university in Manchester and Preston so they were the initial excuse for me to go up there, yet secretly I would go gay clubbing on my own.

Thankfully I have 2 fabulous gay mates in Cardiff who have grounded me as a person whilst also acting as my rock of encouragement and support when required. But, as much I love male friends I'm forever drawn to my girls! I LOVE women! I have always LOVED women! I admire them fully as they engulf my life in its entirety.

Without the women in my life, I honestly don't know where I would be, but in true Aled tradition, there have been times where the women in my life have caused me more pain than expected.

Some have betrayed, bullied and belittled me, yet these are the women who have made me stronger, as I cut them out of my life so I can make room for the women I fully trust and love to this day.

Women will always play a key part in my life, strange to say as a gay man, but I honestly can't live without them. But this can also be said about my gay friends, as little of a group we are, they are still important to me.

I often, when out at my local gay bar, see other groups of gay guys in their huddle. Their glancing judgmental glares as you walk in. The air almost goes bitter with the piercing looks and fake smiles targeted at you as you make you're way through the bar.

As much as I admire our community, I do often find it fake. It's almost David copperfieldian (I'm coining this phrase lol), with its smoke and mirrors and of course glitter and feathers.

You will always be greeted with a smile, but behind the smile is a viperous tongue, armed with a poisonous comment which naturally makes you spit back with an equally vicious response, but this is accepted in our community with it being called SHADE, yet is it always SHADE? How much truth is behind the so-called shade? Who knows?

I'm not going to say that all shade is bad, and I certainly am not going to say I've never thrown shade! Quite opposite in fact! However, my shade was developed as a defence mechanism, which truthfully is n entirely wrong was of copping with snide comments from bitter old queens.

My initial final thought on the topic of making gay friends being a challenge is this, it shouldn't be that hard. We should all be accepting of each other and not allow people within the community to feel like they are alone. You can feel alone even if you are surrounded by people in a gay bar, reach out and speak.

Start a conversation with a person if you see them on their own. If they don't wish to speak then this is their choice but I can guarantee you will be surprised to find that they are interested in chatting and possibly becoming a new friend.

And, for the love of God (and I'm an atheist) don't get weird on them with overly sexual conversation unless it's completely mutual.

I for one, in the new year, that is if the world returns to normality, will continue to go to gay clubs and bars with or without my friends, and whilst there, I aim to make new friends and connections with my fellow LGBTQ+ family.

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