Love was a misconception through the eyes of a boy in denial.
Updated: Jun 30, 2020
I believe that we have one true love in our lives, that is until I’m proven wrong, and I very much hope I am proven wrong.
I regrettably ripped the heart from my first loves chest and threw it away like it was last night’s take-way, something that I truly regret, all because I no longer wanted to be gay!
Actually, I take the takeaway comment back, who throws away last night takeaway, nevertheless I hurt him and I hurt him badly.
I remember the day so vividly, the emotionless facade on my face, the unwillingness to care that his heart was breaking right in from of my very own eyes and yet I did nothing to console him.
He was the one I came out for, well I needed to come out for myself, but he was the one that made life easier, made the fact I was gay something to look forward to! I was honestly head over heels in love with him.
I remember the first moment my eyes fell upon his gaze in the local night club, he sat on the floor outside having a cigarette whilst I was highly in denial of who I was and acted as humanly straight as I could, yet he was beauty personified to me.
Weeks passed and then the day came, the day we officially met in a random summertime house party that a mutual friend was throwing, a friend that we shared however no matter how mutual this friend was we never met prior until this night.
People talk of fate but as a realist I would normally poo-poo the notion however looking back at that moment, fate was most definitely meddling.
He was clearly gay, rather stereotypically flamboyant, but this was something I urged, something that I wanted and yet needed in my life.
I overheard that he had just finished with his moderately long-term partner, a relationship that was overtly a disaster from what I later learnt. He had recently moved back to his family home in the village 10 minutes from mine, yet more fate.
Straight me was still fighting the urges, civil war had been taking place within my head for over 14 years, self-hate and denial is a dreadful illness and so on the very same night I managed to make sure that I made out with a girl, something I also regret, mainly because I was playing with an innocent girls emotions.
On the very same night that I made out with this girl, I then was dared to kiss a boy! But before you jump the gun, this was not the guy in question. It was his best friend. Shameful!
After a few drinks, and when I mean a few I honestly mean my body weight in vodka, I broke under peer pressure and kissed my soon to be boyfriends best friend.
I remember the moment outside the supermarket car park, yes the supermarket carpark! I’m from Carmarthenshire, it’s how we roll! We both stood face to face and kissed! And, Nothing, I didn’t have any feelings! I didn’t necessarily enjoy it! Did that mean I was not gay? High level of confusion set in however the night was still young and I had a lot of partying to do.
We all entered the club and the night was ours, drinks were flowing, the music was beating, and we danced the night away.
Nature was calling and a visit to the gents was on the cards.
Drunk was an understatement at this stage as I rest my head against the wall and tried to navigate my urine into the urinal, and that when I heard it, a small psssst, not it was my piss but someone was trying to grab my attention.
The cubical door opens behind me, a little voice says, “Hey you ok?”. I turned and it was him, Mr soon to be mine!
There is some party of this story that due to reputation and utter disgust of past habits, have been edited from this part of the tale, however I shall let your imaginations carry on with whatever action you feel necessary to envision the beginning of my becoming the gay man I am today. All you need to know is, 2 people in a cubical and a key! That is all.
There he was, squinty eyed, due to him not wearing his glasses out due to vanity yet he couldn’t see past his nose, yet there he was.
I don’t know if it was the alcohol but all I remember was us, both embraced in a passionate kiss! In a night club cubical (classy) yet this was my beginning! I was now alive, electricity passed through my body, the closet doors flew open and threw me out with it, there was no turning back now.
I was rather late coming out, I had turned 24 before I met him, my only regret was not coming out sooner! It would have reduced the amount of arguments, the amount of fights that I had caused due to my inner denial, however these have happened and there’s nothing I can do about it.
The joys of being a man is the ability to burry our heads in the sand, forget about our pasts and float in that wondrous river that is Denial.
Friends would always tell me that it was ok if I was gay, however each time I heard this coming from their mouths, the mouths of those I truly cared about, it was like a sharp blade piercing my heart.
Each time a part of me was being slowly destroyed and this argumentative demon inside me was being born and was ready to attack at any stage.
Each time it was mentioned I could feel my closeted door getting heavier and harder to open.
Following that night, the night I finally acted upon impulse, in the cubicle, I had experienced what being a homosexual was, did I finally find who I was? Did I finally find my true self?
To be continued….