Its ok being single
I overthink and I’m scared, I’m scared to open up and let others in and I repress and deflect love and emotion. well if that’s not messed up, then I don’t know what is!
Heartbreak is painful, so I do anything and everything in my power to avoid falling in love again.
I’ve sort of accepted this, hence why it is, and will always be just Aled, the single guy, table for one and no plus one required.
I often feel that I’d like a significant other in my life, however, this is mainly when I watch romantic films, or to be more precise when watching romantic films whilst having a few g&ts.
The realisation is, these are just films and complete and utter fiction. What we see in films, does not exist in modern-day life.
My mind is a constant battlefield, and I often feel that to allow another person into my life would not be fair on them. Not only do I battle myself, but I also come with emotional baggage, in the form of my family.
This may sound rather cruel and disrespectful to my family, and I don’t mean it, however, my family has its issues and I’m usually the one who acts as it mediator, however, we are a family who is always working together.
I can’t fault my mother and father, they truly are my rock, and without them, I would have derailed my life many many years ago.
They have helped path my way in this life and without their guidance then I don’t know what would have happened to me, well truthfully I do know but thankfully I didn’t go down that path fully.
My only regret is not coming out earlier in life, but most importantly coming out to my parents before anyone else.
Yes, my parents have, what I would call old fashioned and Christian views, however, their knowledge of homosexuality was only what the media and of course the bible portrayed it as a death sentence and a sin, a lonely life full of hate and abuse.
I must admit that since my coming out, my parents have accepted me for me but most importantly their minds have opened. They now understand and support my life and whomever I choose to love In my life, but as I said in the beginning, I truly believe I’m destined to remain single and I’m ok with that.
Around my family, I don’t play the gay card but I think I do this out of respect for them, I don’t want to flaunt it and make them uncomfortable, however, I think this is just my mindset, I think this is because I’ve been brought up around straight conservative types and so I’m conditioned to be repressed around them.
Saying that they have seen me a few times in drag as I’ve pranced around the stage to hundreds of people whilst performing in performed in Pricilla queen of the desert.
I remember the night my parents came to see me in Pricilla and I had a panic attack backstage! This would be the first time my family would have seen me on stage in full drag! This was the first time they had seen me in my six-inch Stilettos performing to a vast audience.
The show happened and as I went to greet my audience.
My parents were over the moon with the show and of course my performance as the delightful Miss Understanding.
My dad couldn’t believe it, he was speechless but in a good way of course. His only comment was, “You've got better legs than your mother” which is a fabulous compliment and the god's honest truth! My legs are my greatest asset. I’m a gay Welshman who has the legs of a rugby player, the only downfall is, I can’t play rugby.
I come from a typical two-parent family.
My mother and father have been married for over 30 years, and I’d say that they are soul mates, they are truly in love with each other and that's a rare thing these days.
I often wonder, why can’t I find someone that I could spend my life with like my parents, but the reality is, I overthink things and at occasions fall in love two quickly.
If I had a pound for every thought and every scenario that is played in my head, then I truly would be the richest man on the planet, I’d have so much money that I’d be forced to give it away or have a room like Scrooge McDuck full of gold coins that I could randomly dive into.
I avoid meeting other single gay guys, and as a result, I avoid dating.
Dating, for me, is the most awkward situation ever! I’d rather go to an intensive job interview, at least after the job interview you in with a chance of getting a new career.
Dating is just two people trying to sell each other’s qualities to the other, and some times lying about their qualities because you want to get with that person, so initially, you're fragmenting a different version of yourself, just to please another.
I personally think that I will live my life alone. Yes, I have friends and family around me, and I’m pretty good at meeting new people. However, in my heart of hearts, I truly believe that I’m destined to live alone.
My soul mate does not exist, and if he does, he has either died or live in a remote location, halfway around the world, cut off from all civilisation and has no means of contacting the outside would. Cutting a long rant short, he doesn’t exist for me. Society influences us about our significant other and how they must be perfect.
They must be good looking, physically fit, romantic, funny, sexy, perfect perfect perfect! But the reality is, none of us is perfect!
It always amazes me to see happy couples end up parting as one of them have been having an affair, this too me is society conditioning is to forever find that perfect person so we can live that fictional film like life.
I previously wrote about wanting a Patrick in my life, and this was purely because I was obsessed with SCHITT'S CREEK on Netflix. I would binge the entire series, wishing I could find a guy like Patrick, that I could have what David and Patrick had, I’m such a fantasist.
I think it was only when a friend mentioned that it’s a programme that I realised, yes! It’s just a flaming programme and none of what I’m watching is real! However, I still wanted what these two fictional characters had.
The reality of it would be if meet my Patrick but as he got closer to me, I would self destruct and self sabotage the good thing that I had, resulting in us breaking up and me living a bitter and lonely life.
The problem I have is, quite frankly, me! I am my own worst enemy and I am the critical issue when it comes to trying to meet Mr Right.
I’ve allowed heartbreak to affect my life, I’ve allowed it to form a hard shell around my heart to avoid any more damage and pain inflicted to it.
Don’t get me wrong, I’ve tried to put myself out there, but the world seems a tad fucked up at the moment, and being gay in Wales equally has its challenges.
I’m a one-man kind of guy and it seems everyone around me is either in a relationship, is in an open relationship or just wants to live in Grindr and fuck every Tom, dick and Harry going! And unfortunately, I’m not that kind of guy!
My overly sexed-up, sex party days are over! I’m older, not that old may I add, but it’s not in me anymore to act like that.
I don’t want the whole open relationship thing, I don’t want to spend my evenings going to gay saunas and meet random men in towels for a shag!
If that’s your thing, then carry on, enjoy yourself but don’t expect it from me.
I’m not that kind of gay guy, and Im happy with that.