I need a Patrick in my life (Schitts Creek reference)
I don’t know how I missed this series when it first came out, but I am now obsessed with Schitts Creek! Thank you, Netflix! However, what I’ve come to realise is, I need a Patrick in my life, or to be more specific and realistic, a boyfriend like Patrick.
I’ve been single for 2 years, and from my history of dating, I’ve made very bad decisions or have been attracted to the very wrong kind of guy.
Why are we attracted to bad boys? And Why are we avoiding Mr Right? But to be honest I think the question we should be asking ourselves is, Does Mr Right exist? Or is he a figment of our overly judgmental minds.
I recently decided to give Tinder another go, yes, I’ve re-joined for the 1 millionth time, but how else am I meant to meet someone.
I overthink and over analyse everything. I mean everything, this could be what I’m planning to wear out, to what kind of tattoo I want etc but these overly analysed thoughts take days, months or even years to process.
Take my tattoo for an example, I planned to have a tattoo when I was 18 years old. I thought about it, looked at various tattoos yet didn’t actually commit to having one until I was in my 30s! So, you can see I like to really think, and take my time in making life-changing decisions. I'll also add I don’t think a tattoo is life-changing however it is a long-time commitment on one’s body.
So, I over analyse and overthink, but this takes on a bigger role when I start dating. I become overly judgmental to what I look for in a man, there I said it! And I’m ashamed to admit it but looks are important to me, but I will elaborate further, like most you probably think I like pretty boys with muscles etc but you couldn’t be further from the truth.
When I say looks, I mean the looks that I find attractive and this can vary from bloke to bloke.
My friends always find it funny that I usually go for rather geeky looking guys or what they would call average looking guys but hey! I like what I like. One friend did say, which still tickles me, that I only date guys that make me looking better, subconsciously this could be true but I hope it’s not.
I’m not that egotistical! If anything, I always think that the guy I’m dating is always better than me, and that I am not good enough for them.
If he can make me laugh, then he is the one for me. I find humour and confidence the sexiest thing ever.
People often think that I am very confident but yet again they would be wrong to think this.
Being me is an act, it’s the greatest role I’ve ever played and I do it well, but it can be very tiresome but I give the people what they want and expect from me.
I try not to be overly judgemental and choosey with my dates, this is something I have learnt through the years, yet one I'm forever learning. Hopefully one day I will have mastered this and find Mr Right and my life will be complete. But until then I shall remain to educate myself.
You're probably thinking, he’s so judgmental and he isn’t much to look at, and that why he’s single. And you would be correct, however going back to my main issue, not only too I overly think about potential partners but I also overly think and judge myself.
Since leaving my abusive ex and my mentally abusive bully of an employer, I have gained weight.
I am a yoyo dieter! My weight fluctuates on a year on year basis! It’s a family curse!
As a teenager I was obese, I was that fat boy in school but then I dramatically lost weight and became bulimic. It’s a long story but I promise I will go into more detail in another blog dedicated to mental health and eating disorders.
To this very day, I struggle with my weight and it’s the bane of my life.
I spend the majority of my time worrying about what I look like and what people think of me and when it comes to dating this is magnified by a hundred.
I worry that my date thinks I’m too fat or too ugly, or that what I’m wearing isn’t good enough to be seen with them.
I also start thinking that they are too good for me, and I begin to convince myself that a person like me doesn’t deserve a good-looking chap in their lives.
This is going to sound STUPID, but I once went to see a Psychic/Palm reader! You know the type, shawl covering her head, crystal ball on the table and of course I had to cross her palm with silver.
What she told me that evening will haunt me forever, especially if it's true.
She told me that I would be forever alone and that I will never find love! Yes,! She looked at my palm, started tutting and then just went for the jugular.
Not that I fully believe in all this hocus-pocus, but it is something I regularly think about.
Could she be right?? She did have the air of Mystic Meg about her!
I often think that I don’t need a partner in my life, that I don’t need a boyfriend and that I can see this world through on my own.
I’m a true believer that we all come into this world on our own and we can navigate ourselves throughout, without the help and companionship of others, yet, it would be nice to have a significant other to join us on our journey.
I often get days were I’m like, No I don’t need anyone! Everything I’ve done and achieved has been done and carried out by me, myself and I.
I don’t need anyone to hold my hand in this journey we call life.
However, there are days were I see my friends and family members in loving long term relationships and have that significant other who acts as a pillar of strength in their lives and I’m like, Oh I’d like that, I want what they have!
I will admit, It does get lonely; I forever feeling like it's me against the world. I'm surrounded by friends and I have a fabulous family yet, I often feel and am alone.
People often say, If you look for love then you won’t find it! A comment, too this very day, I find remarkably ridiculous and idiotic.
If you are not being proactive in finding love then how the hell are you going to actually find it?
Should I be sitting on a balcony somewhere in a remote location with my hair cascading down the walls waiting for my prince charming to find me? Is this how it’s done?
Well, if we watch bloody Disney then yes! But I live in modern-day reality.
I honestly don’t know what I want, yet if I do meet a partner and that he makes me laugh then I’d consider a relationship, but until then I shall keep my eyes and ears open.
Who knows Mr Right maybe out there?